By Jeff Hoffman
December 1, 2008 11:15am CST

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

I'm sure some owners might not find this very amusing and may even feel nauseous when watching the replay, but what was Jonathan Stewart thinking on Sunday against the Packers? On a 43-yard burst up the middle that looked like an easy six points, Stewart performed a rookie sin and shut it down before he reached the end zone, resulting in a fumble and no touchdown points for Stewart owners. Earlier in the season, Eagles rookie wideout DeSean Jackson performed a similar same bone-headed play and left owners stressed and probably hairless. As they "run" their way to the end zone, I have no idea if these rookies are trying to conceive a brilliant touchdown dance or simply figure out which vehicle they should purchase next, but what I do know is that Jake Delhomme owners (if they still exist) should probably thank and console Stewart owners on Monday.


Real Men of Genius
Today, we salute you, Mr. Bringer of a Concealed Weapon to a Nightclub. When everyone is having a good time, you whip out your gun, with the safety off, of course, and tap it on your thigh. When the club really starts to get loud and energized, you shoot yourself in the leg, frightening the life out of everyone in the entire club. Guns are a serious issue, but when a guy (who has no business carrying a weapon) shoots himself in the thigh, you can't help but find the humor. Actual events of the incident may vary and no specific names were used. I'll leave that up to you to figure out.


Giant Frustration
For those of you with playoff hopes who were looking for Clinton Portis to come through this week, I guess all I can say is there's always next year. After starting off the season with seven touchdowns through seven games, Portis has done nothing since in the touchdown category and has likely failed owners who have been counting on him to score. In Sunday's game against the division rival New York Giants, Portis recorded his worst game of the season, managing just 22 yards on 11 carries. While this probably won't comfort Portis owners one bit, it was hard to expect much out of the guy against the Giants defense. Portis will likely struggle once again next week against the Ravens defense, but if you can survive another week with a poor performance from Portis, you should be rewarded in Week 15 against the Bengals.


Bad vs. Terrible
Buying a ticket and showing up for the Raiders vs. Chiefs game shows one of two things: Either Oakland fans are either the most loyal football fans in the league, or they simply have nothing better to do with their time. Those working public relations for the Raiders organization must be miracle workers for selling any tickets when a 3-8 team (Raiders) takes on a 1-10 opponent (Chiefs). Larry Johnson took care of business on the ground for the Chiefs as he ran for 92 yards and one touchdown on 24 attempts. Even though Tyler Thigpen snapped his five-game streak with at least one touchdown pass, tight end Tony Gonzalez continued to be a reliable target and hauled in eight receptions for 110 yards. I'm going to let you be the judge as to which team is bad, and which team is terrible.


All Aboard
I know I've already talked about Jonathan Stewart this week, but when another Panthers tailback finds paydirt four times in one game, I can't help but discuss his performance. On Sunday afternoon at Lambeau Field, running back DeAngelo Williams rumbled for 72 yards and four touchdowns on 21 carries. All four of Williams' touchdowns came from one-yard out, and through the last five games, Williams has scored nine rushing touchdowns. I would imagine that many fantasy owners are kicking themselves for jumping off the DeAngelo ship early in the season after Stewart appeared to be the featured goal-line back. For those of you who chose to stick with Williams out of loyalty, faith, or sheer lack of options, kudos.


Goodbye Thou Romeo Crennel
Just several weeks ago, at the height of the short-lived Brady Quinn era, who would have thought that Browns fans would soon be holding their breath, praying that quarterback Derek Anderson get up and be OK. In Sunday's game against the Indianapolis Colts, Anderson was forced out of action with a sprained knee. Before leaving, Anderson completed just 16-of-26 passes for 110 yards. Anderson has already been ruled out for Week 14, leaving Ken Dorsey the man under center for the Browns. I wouldn't dare describe Anderson's performance this season as anything close to impressive, but it's not hard to see why Anderson would be preferred over Dorsey. As if Braylon Edwards needed any more reasons/excuses to struggle this season, I now introduce another...enter Mr. Dorsey.


One Man's Injury Is Another's Opportunity
The only positive aspect of running back Ryan Grant this season has been the fact that Mike McCarthy likes to give him plenty of carries, which leaves the door open for potential success. However, in Sunday's game against the Panthers, that remaining aspect seemed to fly right out the door, as Grant missed the entire second half with a thumb injury. Before exiting the game, Grant ran for a mere 39 yards on 12 carries. In his absence, Brandon Jackson stepped up scampered for 80 yards on 11 rushing attempts. For a guy who has struggled all season to break through gaps and find the end zone, the last thing you want to see is your backup average a little over 7.0 yards per carry. To all of you Grant owners, you might want to handcuff B-Jax as soon as possible if you haven't already.


What A Showoff
Not only can Ravens wideout Mark Clayton run pretty fast, make one-handed grabs and haul in touchdown passes, but apparently he can also throw the ball, too. Against the Cincinnati Bengals defense on Sunday, Clayton hooked up with Joe Flacco five times for 164 yards and one receiving touchdown. Clayton also took to the air and connected with Derrick Mason on a 32-yard passing touchdown in the third quarter. Even though his numbers on the season aren't real impressive (28-475-3), Clayton has now scored in back-to-back games. I mean this with no disrespect to what Clayon did, but leave it to the Bengals to allow an average player to record Pro Bowler-type numbers.